WELL PARENT | The Single Most Important Parenting Tool You Need

Things were heating up. Tension was brewing as the voices were getting louder and louder.

“It’s MY turn to choose the movie!”

“No, it’s MY turn! You did it last!”

I could see that the kids lids were beginning to flip. Once the arguments start it is super hard to diffuse them right? And in this case, I knew who was right and who was wrong, but there was going to be no convincing and this would only result in winners and losers.

It was going to require some intervention, negotiation and problem solving.

“Guys, it seems like this is a problem that is happening every week”, I intervened. “How about we talk about it at the family meeting and come up with an idea so that we know exactly whose turn it is each week?”

“Fine!”

“YES!”

And then peace as they went back to eating their breakfast and talking about books. Just like magic, the conflict stopped and we knew that we could deal with this problem when we were less stressed and more able to focus on the solution, rather than fighting over whose turn it was.

WANT TO SEE HOW TO RUN YOUR OWN FAMILY MEETING?

KEEP SCROLLING FOR THE DETAILS.

Sometimes it feels as though the problems, conflict and nagging happens constantly. Every day there’s some new problem, or some old problem, happening AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

What I hate about this is that we feel as though we becoming the mean bosses in the family, with a never-ending list of stuff to go on about. It's not exactly the way we imagined motherhood to be, huh?

And this is why I absolutely love setting aside time for family problem-solving and discussion at the family meeting.

It is hands down my FAVOURITE tool for creating a more positive family environment. 

  WHAT IS A FAMILY MEETING?  

A family meeting is a weekly time put aside for problem-solving that doesn’t involve blame, shame, nagging or lecturing. It also involves a time of appreciation, compliments and gratitude for each other, going over the weekly schedule and then finishes with a time of fun.

  EVERYONE IS SEEN AND APPRECIATED  

Mothers often complain that our job is thankless. Siblings seem to focus more on telling tales on each other or calling each other names. A family meeting changes all that.

During the opening time of compliments and appreciation, everybody shares something they noticed or appreciated about each of the other family members. For siblings, this builds positive feelings and emotions towards each other, and for adults, we are thanked and recognized for the otherwise unnoticed contribution that we make.

Everyone loves to be seen and noticed and this is the perfect space to do it – it’s great for your marriage too!

  IT PROVIDES A CONTAINER FOR NEGATIVITY  

Often, small problems turn into arguments and nagging. It’s the small things like the socks or wet towels always being left on the floor, or chores not being completed. To kids, it can feel like we are constantly picking at all the things they aren’t doing right, and that can set a negative tone in the family environment.

At the family meeting, the family member who wants to discuss a problem uses an ‘I’ statement to share their feelings, state the problem, and then everyone else in the family brainstorms ways to solve it. A solution is decided on to try for the week (with support & guidance from the parents as appropriate), and assessed at the next meeting. 

What I love about this is that if there is something that I am having issues with, I know that I can let it go for a few days (and pick up the slack) until I can bring it up at the meeting and solve it properly. That makes me feel less naggy and I can't tell you how GOOD that feels!

  CHILDREN FEEL A SENSE OF BELONGING AND CONTRIBUTION  

Just as adults don’t like being dictated what to do, neither do our kids. Family meetings give kids the chance to have a say. In a family meeting everyone's ideas are heard and given merit. It increases their feelings of belonging and contribution, and as such they become more cooperative and part of the team.

Children also bring their own problems to the family meeting - perhaps something they consider unfair, such as screen time rules, or having problems with a sibling who keeps taking their things. Kids learn that they have a voice, that they are valued, and that they have freedom to express their needs in a safe space. Meanwhile, they are learning valuable life-long skills such as respect, empathy, negotiation, and conflict resolution skills which will serve them well as adults.

Kids also get the chance to facilitate and lead each meeting, which boosts their confidence and builds leadership skills.

  EXAMPLE STRUCTURE OF A FAMILY MEETING  

This is a super simplified rundown on the family meeting, and I would strongly encourage you to try implementing it in your home. It works best for kids over the age of 4 years old, and can be used throughout the whole time your kids are at home with you. 

Family meetings and how to effectively problem-solve without blame, shame or lecturing (and get follow through from your kids!) are just one of many tools that I teach in the Well Parent Positive Parenting workshops.

If you’d like to learn how to set up your own family meeting and how to teach your family how to use it effectively then keep your eyes open for our next 6 week workshop series.

CHECK OUT MORE OF OUR WELL PARENT ARTICLES HERE:

ABOUT REBECCA

Originally from New Zealand, Well Women co-founder Rebecca Archer considers herself a global citizen, and has lived in Australia, Canada, Nigeria and Indonesia and spent time in many more countries. She is just as at home paddling on the Delta Rivers in the Papua New Guinea jungle, as she is eating jianbing on the streets on Beijing. With a diverse background in media, marketing, events and education, Rebecca has written for the World Health Organization, BeijingKids magazine and various educational institutes in Beijing. Rebecca is a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and mom of 3 energetic kids, and offers Positive Discipline classes and online workshops to the expat community. The founder of the Clothing Auction Network, Rebecca is passionate about sustainable and ethical approaches to fashion and lifestyle.